Riana's Cavatina (Sonata of Love Book 2) Page 7

  “Hey, um, Lexi, right?” A shy, yet friendly voice said from above us.

  There was the boy. Not too tall, medium frame, shaggy blonde with striking green eyes. He reminded me of a young Leonardo DiCaprio. Absolutely stunning. I consciously closed my mouth as I realized I was staring at him like a damn fool.

  “Yeah.” Lexi said. “Um, Brian?” She cringed as she attempted to guess his name.

  “Ryan actually, but close.” His eyes lit up as he laughed.

  “Sorry. How’s it going?”

  “Good, good. Was just wondering if I could pick your brain for a second regarding that last set of articles we had to read.” He glanced down at me and I bit my lip.

  “Absolutely, why don’t you join us? Ryan, this is my friend Riana.” I gave him what was likely a very weak smile as I attempted to calm my racing heart. He sat on the grass opposite of Lexi and smiled at me.

  After a general run through of their shared reading material Ryan turned towards me. “Riana?” It was posed as a question, I assumed to be sure he was pronouncing it correctly. I nodded. “You know, I think we actually have Organizational Communication together.”

  I narrowed my gaze towards him. How is that possible? Surely I would have noticed something so beautiful in the same room as me.

  “Really?”

  Ryan gave a shy grin. “Yeah. I um, tend to stay towards the back. Not exactly a talker in class.”

  “Unlike Ri, I’m sure.” Lexi laughed.

  “Not much discussion yet Lex, thanks. We’re just going over the dry theory of group dynamics right now.” I shook my head lightly and noticed Ryan chuckled at our catty exchange.

  “So how is it that you have classes with both of us, even though we’re in different Master’s programs?” Lexi asked.

  “Oh, well, I thought that it’d be a good idea to pull in elements of both programs to assist in my goal of creating a group home for exploited youth.”

  I was absolutely positive love bubbles had to have appeared around me after his statement. Beautiful, socially conscientious, motivated, and compassionate? Signed, sealed, delivered—I’m yours. I thought for sure I practically melted into the ground.

  “That’s…wow. That’s kind of amazing.” Really Riana, that’s all you could come up with? Slick.

  “Speaking of class, I gotta run. Thanks again for the cram session Lexi, and I’ll see you in a couple days Riana.” Ryan stood and tossed his backpack to his shoulder and took off towards Ford Hall.

  I dramatically huffed as Lexi and I waited for our coffees at the small kiosk in the student library the following week. “Why must it be Thursday?” I groaned.

  “I happen to like Thursdays.” Lexi laughed. “Means it’s almost Friday.”

  “Well, sure. But it also means I have another six days until I get to feast my eyes on the dead sexiest guy on campus.”

  Lexi’s eyes flicked over my shoulder and she giggled. “And who might the dead sexiest guy on campus be?”

  I laughed and rolled my eyes. “Yeah, like you don’t know. Ryan, Lexi. Ryan is the dead sexiest guy on campus. And now I have to wait six more days to see him again.”

  “Or….” Her eyes deliberately went to beyond me and I cringed as I realized what she was implying.

  “Or…I could turn around?” I guessed. She bit her lip and nodded. I dropped my head and took a deep breath, afraid to turn around. I realized that the decision before me could a pivotal moment in my pursuit of Ryan. If I allowed myself to be overtaken by embarrassment at that moment, I might never have the courage to talk to him again. “Fuck it.” I grumbled as I grabbed Lexi’s hand and turned around.

  “Alright, so I think we should hit the grocery store tonight. The lack of pasta in the apartment is appalling.” I glanced over to where Ryan sat alone and nursed a cup of coffee with book in hand. “Oh! Hey Ryan!” I called in a way that I sincerely hoped sounded nonchalant.

  Ryan looked up, a smug grin played along his lips. “Well hi, Riana.”

  “Whatcha reading there?” It was a generic, stupid question, but I had to keep talking to him. I still felt that if I didn’t, I never would again.

  “Does a grad student ever actually read?” He laughed.

  “Not typically.” I agreed.

  “Just browsing some chapters on Weber’s unarticulated theories of social dysfunction.”

  “Riveting.” He grinned in agreement. He knew full well that I was being sarcastic. Everyone knew that Weber was one of the most difficult sociological theorists to understand. I stood nervously, not really sure where to go next in conversation.

  “Wanna sit?” He motioned to the chair across from him and I glanced over to Lexi.

  “I’m gonna, um, go see if the library has Out of Sync Child in yet. I’ll catch up with you at home, Ri. And I’ll make sure there’s pasta.”

  Ryan waited for me by the entrance to our lecture hall for the Organizational Communication course the following Wednesday—and every Wednesday thereafter. It was routine, and I was endlessly thankful for it every week.

  He lifted both his hands, a disposable cup in each. “Coffee?”

  My cheeks hurt as I smiled brightly and approached him. “If I ever say no to coffee, check my pulse because I must be dead.”

  Ryan laughed and slung his arm over my shoulder as he escorted me in. Even after months of us hanging out my heart still raced anytime I was near him. He never failed to make me laugh, and he always made me feel like the most important person in the room. The more we sat and talked, the more I was sure that I loved him.

  There were other men who had shown interest, and while Ryan hadn’t explicitly stated he was romantically interested in me, I couldn’t bring myself to be unavailable just in case Ryan decided he wanted to date me. It was so unlike me, to sit idly by waiting for a man. Even without any sort of “official” status I felt that we were connected on such a level that it didn’t quite need words or labels. Turns out that feeling would torment me for years to come.

  “So, the Dueling Pianos are doing a show this Saturday.” Ryan said as we grabbed our seats.

  “Those guys are awesome.” I said as I pulled my notebook out.

  “I know, right? So um, I thought that maybe we could go. Together. Um, kind of like—“

  “A date?” I blurted as I turned to him. I’m sure my face betrayed my attempt to remain calm at the thought of going on a real date with Ryan.

  His grin spread. “Well, yeah. I’m pretty sure my roommate has been assuming for at least a month that you’re my girlfriend, figured maybe we could test that out.”

  I desperately tried to will the blood from away from my cheeks. “Well, I mean, I’d have to cancel with all my other suitors, but I think we could arrange something.” I teased.

  Ryan reached up and placed his arm around my shoulder, as he had done so many times before—but this time, I knew something between us had shifted and I became overcome with anxious excitement. “Perfect. So I’ll come by your place around seven to pick you up.”

  I bit my lip and nodded, incapable of forming calm and coherent words.

  “Relax, Ri. It’s not like this is the first time you’ve gone out with Ryan.” Lexi said as she watched me fight my nerves as I did my hair.

  “True as that statement might be, he’s never called it a ‘date’ before. This is our first for real date, Lex. I’m not really sure y’know, like how to go about this.” I laughed as I caught her eyes in the mirror. She gave a soft smile and stepped in closer.

  “Oh my dear.” She said as she started to comb her fingers through my hair. “Everything will be fine. Look at as just another night out with him. Maybe put a little more sashay in your hips and oomph up your cleavage a bit, but all in all it’s the same. You might get a little action later, though…” She teased and I felt my cheeks and ears tingle in embarrassment.

  “Ooh, I can hope so at least!”

  My first date with Ryan was everything a young woman would want from a f
irst date with the guy she’d pined over for months. He arrived on time, looking and smelling marvelous. He gently escorted me down my hall and to his car with his hand placed securely to my lower back. He pulled my chair out for me after we found a nice corner table towards the back of the bar so that we might be able to maintain some conversation through the show. We shared a bottle of Moscato D’Asti and truly enjoyed ourselves.

  I was used to having Ryan’s arms draped over my shoulders from our class sessions, but when his fingers first slipped between mine I was positive he’d be able to feel my frantic heart beat through my palm. I might not ever be able to fully explain why everything he did ignited me in such a way, but it became an addictive rollercoaster.

  Ryan and I fell easily, almost too easily, into being a couple. The transition was likely due to the fact that Ryan was deliberately and painfully slow in regards to anything physical with me. It was frustrating, but it forced me to take stock of our feelings and needs. Oh, but how my heart would race whenever he’d go just a bit further. Our first kiss was a moment that would remain burnt into my memory as a moment that truly defined us. Unfortunately though, I think that the memory also often skewed the lens through which I examined our relationship. Always romanticized, serendipitous, and divine in a way I felt was out of our control.

  We had just spent the day ice skating—I can’t imagine why he was drawn to kiss me that day; surely my nose was red and runny, my skin wind-burnt and cold. He had to have questioned if we’d even be able to feel each other’s lips. I was frantically attempting to beat him in a race across the rink but as I turned to look over my shoulder to gauge how much of a lead I had, my toe pick caught just enough of the ice to send me instantly to the ground. I hit the solid ice under me with a pronounced grunt and then a muffled groan of pain. Ryan’s laugh filled the arena as he purposely fell to his knees and slid to me where I continued to lay on the ice. “Riana, babe, are you okay?”

  I sighed deeply and forced myself to roll over, too embarrassed to look at him. “Yep. Peachy.”

  Ryan scooted closer to me still and wrapped his arms around me as he pulled me into a sitting position. He then nestled my hat back over my ears and swept my hair off my forehead and cheeks. His hand then slipped to behind my neck and he gently, but urgently, pulled my face to his. His lips were cold, but the sweetest sensation I could have imagined. I sighed against the firm embrace of both his arms, and his lips. Being as it had taken us so long to get to this point I was afraid to push him, to silently tell him to go further, but it seemed I didn’t have to. His warm tongue tentatively traced along my bottom lip and I eagerly granted him access. Just as I felt my sexual instincts begin to ignite and take over, Ryan pulled away. He licked his lip and grinned.

  “Nice.” He said as he stood and reached his hands down to help me up.

  “Quite nice.” I agreed. “I’ve been waiting for that.”

  Ryan winked as he laced his fingers through mine. “I know.”

  That moment, small as it may have been, was a covert hint to the power dynamics that would soon lie ahead for me and Ryan. He would take control of our tumultuous relationship and I would hold on as tightly as I could and attempt to survive the ride.

  Considering that I was raised by such an emotionally unavailable single mother, and had no close family to watch in healthy relationships, I was blissfully unaware of the emotional games Ryan played with me. I was duped by movies, books, and sitcoms into believing that cyclonic, never ending ups and downs and conflict were signs of intense romance and intimacy. So every time Ryan gave me a taste of commitment, or what I thought was love; whether it was talks of our future or the small gestures I thought showed genuine concern—like his demand that I call him when I got home from work—I was set on a high feeling like the most important person in his life. And then, when he followed it up with ignoring my calls, I was left to fall into a pit of despair. It was a cycle that only Ryan could inflict upon me, and a cycle I thought only he could fix.

  Ryan held me on the edge of everything—of emotional intimacy, of sexual intimacy, of angry outbursts, of tears. By the time I was able to cross the thresholds of whatever edge he held me on, the resulting event completely overtook me and created yet another foggy lens through which I viewed our relationship. Ryan made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, while he simultaneously made me feel like there was something inherently wrong with me to make him keep me a bit of a secret.

  “What do you mean you’re going to Florida with Nicole?”

  “I mean, I’m going to Florida with Nicole.”

  I narrowed my eyes and stared at the back of his head. My mind swam with questions, assumptions, and doubts. “Why?” was the only thing that made it past my lips.

  He turned and looked at me as though I was the most incompetent person in the world. “Because we always go to Florida for spring break?”

  “Sure. When you were single. Doesn’t it seem a little odd, Ryan, to spend a week in Florida with a woman who isn’t your girlfriend?!”

  “So, now I have to spend every moment with you?”

  I bit my lip and downcast my head. “That’s not what I said.”

  “That’s what you meant.”

  I shook my head lightly. I didn’t think that’s what I meant. Ryan frequently made me question what I did or said, and I was left confused and compliant. “I’m sorry.”

  “You need to understand that Nicole is my best friend, has been since elementary school.”

  “I do understand that.” I said, still unable to lift my eyes.

  “Then you need to give us this time together. And trust me. I mean, if you can’t trust me…”

  A test. It was always a test.

  “You know I do.” I finally flicked my eyes up to his. He stood tall and confident as his eyes locked on mine. He gave a small nod before he turned back to the task of packing. I sighed, defeated, and let myself out of his room. I walked past his roommate without a word, grabbed my jacket and left.

  I shivered against the sharp bite of the Minnesota winter and trudged off towards mine and Lexi’s apartment. I couldn’t quite come to terms with how Ryan destroyed me little by little. Moments like the one that just transpired left me hurt, dejected, and confused.

  How did he do that? How was he able to make me absolutely euphoric, and then, within hours make me feel so wretched?

  I snorted through half of a laugh when I decided that my relationship with Ryan was probably akin to an addict’s relationship with their drug of choice. Though it appeared that in both cases there wasn’t much of a choice. The high made the choice for us, the sweet sensation of perfection, of love, of invincibility. How does anyone say no to it? Even when the high comes to an end and you’re left busted, cynical, confused, angry, and determined to never go back or allow yourself to feel so horribly again; you don’t say no when the chance of even a taste of that high tempted you.

  Maybe Ryan was right, I probably overreacted. I did that pretty frequently I guess. I assume a likely after effect of what many would call “daddy issues”, hell, probably “mommy issues” too. A fear of abandonment? Check. I would think he was being unreasonable too if he questioned my time spent with Lexi. But there’s pretty much no chance of sexual attraction between me and Lexi, whereas that possibility is quite real with Nicole and Ryan. The war waged on between my logic and my emotions.

  “Are you serious?” Lexi turned from the fridge to face me where I sat at the kitchen island. “He really didn’t get why you would be upset about this trip?”

  I shrugged and picked at the skin around my nails as I twirled my vertical labret. “Maybe I shouldn’t be upset.”

  I glanced up just in time to see Lexi’s face contort into a mix of disgust and shock. “Are you hearing yourself, Ri? He’s going to spend spring break with another woman. Of course you should be upset! I don’t give a damn if they’ve been best friends since they were born, he needs to get where you’re coming from and not be s
uch an insensitive jerk.”

  I swallowed and resisted the urge to defend him. I knew Lexi only wanted to show she was on my side, but she didn’t have to call him insensitive, did she?

  “Have you ever even met Nicole?”

  Ooh, that hurt. I shook my head and tried to will the tears back. “No.”

  “Does she know he’s dating you?”

  I opened my mouth to say that of course she did, we’d been together for three months, but realized I couldn’t say it with any real amount of certainty. “I…I don’t know.”

  Lexi pushed her curls back and sighed. “I don’t know Ri, it all sounds just a bit too shady you know? I mean, the easiest solution would have been for him to just invite you along, but he didn’t even do that.”

  I nodded as the tears rolled down my cheeks.

  Despite his promises, Ryan didn’t call me while in Florida with Nicole. Each day that passed brought me closer to the edge of walking away from him. He apparently didn’t care at all about me, or how I felt, or what I needed from him.

  Lexi tried to keep me distracted over spring break by convincing me to go to a D.M.A. concert in Chicago. Alright, truth be told, she didn’t try—she completely succeeded. The four days we spent in Chicago seemed to transport me into a world where my relationship with Ryan essentially didn’t exist. We even managed to meet up with some of our fan friends that travelled in for the show. It was glorious. We literally spent three and a half days half-drunk and obnoxiously relived our teenage years which had been filled with silly fantasies and giddy delights related to Derek, Matt, and Alex.

  I’m not even sure how Lexi was able to get my heavy feet to climb the stairway to the House of Blues balcony after we had dinner and drinks in the restaurant portion, but once I was there I was more than thankful for the railing that prevented my drunk, uncoordinated self from toppling over into the crowd below. Lexi and I stood, front row of the balcony, screaming out lyrics and dancing without any sense of rhythm. I’m sure those around us hoped the railing would give way, but I didn’t care. I was being one of those girls and it was exactly what I needed. As per tradition, we concert called Sam at least four times through the night. I think we were all quite impressed that I managed to not drop my phone as I danced and sang with Sam and Lexi.