Riana's Cavatina (Sonata of Love Book 2) Read online

  It didn’t matter how many D.M.A. concerts I went to. Every single show was magic. Every single song ignited passion in me. Some songs brought me back to years I wanted to forget and I’d find myself wiping away silent tears as the lyrics spoke to my life in ways no one else would understand. But the ever-changing emotions that I experienced through a show were always worth it. I was sure that even if they had played a concert of only heart wrenching ballads that I’d still find joy and beauty in it. Thankfully this show was definitely not one full of ballads to leave me sobbing about Ryan. It was high energy, empowered anthems, and resistance to the status quo to get us all chanting, screaming along and geared up to take on the world.

  “I’m gonna run away with Alex!” I screamed as I fell into Lexi. “Screw Ryan and his dumb ass.” I groaned. “I mean, LOOK AT HIM! He’s so freaking sexy!”

  I turned myself back to the stage, quite ungracefully, to admire him as the band took a bow. Alex’s dark hair was drenched in sweat, his joy projected from his endless grin for all to see. My heart skipped as all three of them glanced up to the balcony and my eyes locked on his. I bit my lip and turned away only to find a beautiful moment in Matthew’s gracious bow to the audience. His shaggy bangs stuck to his forehead and he shook them out of the way with a sly grin. He hadn’t lost any of his charm or good looks over the years, and not even his marriage to Tabitha could sway the yearning so many fans still had for him.

  Memories of sitting alone with notebook in hand and endless letters rushed back to me. I smiled lovingly towards Matthew, sure that he’d never know how important he was to my life or how eternally grateful I’d be to him. The draw to Matt had shifted over the years; from the early crush and sexual awakening, to the solace and comfort I found in letting all my pain and struggles out in my letters to him, to a silent acceptance of his guidance in life—to be good, kind, and giving. No matter the role he played in my mind, Matthew would keep a piece of me.

  But Alex. I groaned at how absolutely beautiful he had become over the years. And if I were honest with myself, now that we were all legally adults, the age difference didn’t bother me nearly as much as it used to.

  Lexi’s smile positively glowed as she laughed at me and my drunken declaration to run away with Alex Jennings. She wrapped her arms around me and started to shuffle out with the rest of the crowd after their encore. “Alright then, let’s go bus wait, you can tell Alex all about your plan.”

  I choked on my own laughter. “Holy balls, Lexi, could you imagine!? Heeeey, I’m Ri and I think we need to run away together.” I laughed and snorted. “Ridiculous.”

  “Crazier things have happened.” She teased. My plan would have also meant that Alex would have to break up with his now official girlfriend Kim, Tabitha’s best friend. I was fairly certain, even in my intoxicated state, that wasn’t about to happen. Alex and Kim seemed pretty established, which made sense with how much she was with the band as Tabitha’s best friend long before the band confirmed the suspicions of Alex and Kim’s relationship.

  We successfully made it back to our hotel—thankfully only four blocks from the House of Blues, without much incident. I may or may not have drunkenly told off some guys outside another bar, and I may or may not have puked in a garbage can. All in all, a success in my book.

  I tore almost all of my clothing off as I stumbled into our room and then flung myself face first into my bed. “That was awesome.” I mumbled. I turned on my side and grinned at Lexi. “Seriously, thanks for this. I really needed it.”

  “I know.” She stepped out of her shoes and ran her fingers through her hair. I was so envious of her hair—I loved her bouncy, unruly curls. The room spun as I closed my eyes and I tried my hardest to stay awake and chat with Lexi more but it proved quite difficult.

  “Ri, sit up.” She said softly. I groaned but did as she said. She held a cup of water and two Advil in her hand.

  I smiled softly. “You take such good care of me.” I took the pills and cup from her.

  “Because I love you.”

  I murmured as I settled back into my pillow. “I…love…too.” I heard a small giggle before her lips pressed to my forehead.

  “I can’t do this Ri.” He mumbled as he stood from my bed and pulled his boxers on.

  I pulled the sheet up and over my bare chest. “Can’t do what?” I could feel my lungs tighten as I was sure I knew what was coming.

  “This. I can’t do this, with you, anymore.”

  My breathing became labored as I fought to remain calm. “And you just now came to this conclusion?”

  “I’d been thinking about it for a while now.”

  “Oh, like since being in Florida with Nicole.”

  “It’s not about her.”

  My jaw tightened as I locked my gaze on him. “Yes it is. We were fine before you went there with her. Something had to have happened.” I watched as he continued to get dressed.

  Ryan turned to me, his eyes softened and he reached to comfort me. I fought between the urge to scream and push him away and the need to feel his touch again. His hands held the sides of my face firmly as he met my eyes. “Nothing happened. I just don’t think it’s going to work.”

  “I love you.” I whispered through the tears that overtook my resolve to remain angry.

  “And I love you.” He said. “I’m just not what you need Ri.”

  “Yes you are Ryan. I need you so much.” He placed his lips to mine and I desperately tried to convince him to stay. I let the sheet fall from my body as I beckoned him to me further.

  “Ri…”

  “Just stay.” I pled.

  “I can’t.” He pulled himself away and my anger returned.

  “Get out.” I growled. “You knew this was going to happen and yet you felt entitled enough to fuck me beforehand? You’re unbelievable.”

  He hesitated and I lashed out again, “Get out!”

  He steadied his face before he gave a short nod and left my bedroom. I pulled the sheet back up my chest and tried to hold it together. I wanted to be angry at him, to resolve to hate him and never want to see him again but the truth was he broke me in that moment. My world shattered as I heard the front door close and I screamed in agony as I realized I couldn’t picture my life without him. It may have only been months, but Ryan was everything to me, the one I was absolutely certain I was supposed to be with. People don’t just have a connection like that when they don’t belong together.

  “Ri?” Lexi called from behind my bedroom door. “Ri, honey, what happened?”

  “He’s gone.” I wailed. Lexi tentatively opened my door and then rushed in when she saw my state. “Ryan. He…he said he couldn’t…be with me…anymore.”

  Lexi leaned back against my headboard and opened her arms to me as I continued to cry. She tightened her arms around me and hushed me as she rocked back and forth. “Oh Honey, it’ll be okay. It wasn’t meant to be.”

  Argh, so cliché! Lexi didn’t mean to be insensitive of course, but her statement struck me as callous and I took all my frustration out on her. “It’s not okay Lex! I love him. He’s everything I need, Lex. I need him.”

  I felt Lexi sigh beneath me. She remained silent the rest of the evening as I sobbed, overcome with the most intense heartache I’d ever felt, until I fell asleep.

  I skipped the next four days of classes, barely able to get up to shower and feed myself. Ryan had destroyed my ability to function. Lexi watched as I fell into a familiar dark tunnel of depression and struggled selflessly and consistently to keep me out of the clutches of the darkness.

  “Come on Ri, let’s get out of the house.” She stood at the edge of the kitchen and watched me as I sulked.

  “Why? There’s nothing worth going out for.” I grumbled.

  “Not even coffee?”

  I pursed my lips and glared at her from my cocoon of blankets and pillows on the sectional couch in our living room. She raised her eyebrows, and I was annoyed with her confidence in how well she
knew me.

  I flung my blankets off in a huff. “One cup of coffee.”

  Lexi even convinced me to change out of my pajama pants and into actual jeans and a clean shirt before we left. We rode in silence to campus, but once we settled in on a couch in the corner of our favorite coffee shop we started to catch up some. Not that I had much to catch up on—I still mourned the loss of Ryan, and still believed he was “the one” for me. Lexi, though, had some exciting news in the way of her thesis project so I was happy to listen to her tell me all about it.

  As she heard me sip out the last of my macchiato she grinned, “Need another?”

  “I suppose I could stay for another cup.” My lips twitched into something that almost resembled a half smile, and Lexi couldn’t hide her excitement.

  “I’ll get it.” She said as she got up and padded up to the barista. As I watched her my attention was pulled to the sound of the shop door opening. And there he was.

  Ryan. Why? Why did he have to come to mine and Lexi’s favorite coffee shop at this moment?

  His smile was bright as he walked in with two friends; Marcus and Nicole. Despite never having met her, I knew her from pictures Ryan had. My mind couldn’t come up with the proper plan of action, do I ignore him, run out, or make a scene? His laugh called the attention of Lexi and it was an instant realization of who was behind her. She eyed him only for a split second before trying to lock her gaze on me, but I couldn’t look away from him.

  “Lex!” Ryan called out. Her eyes narrowed at him. He took a few long strides to her. “Lex, how is Ri doing?”

  “Are you kidding me?” Her demeanor left little need for interpretation. “She’s just dandy Ryan, happy as can be, much like you.” She snapped as she glared at Nicole.

  Ryan glanced over his shoulder and realized that Lexi assumed the same thing I had. “Lexi, it’s not like that.” Lexi tried to take stock of how I was doing in that moment without drawing attention to me, but was unable to hide the line her eyes followed.

  Suddenly Ryan’s gaze was on me as well. “Riana.”

  My hands shook as I put my empty cup down. I shook my head as I bit my lip against the sobs that were coming back up my chest. I gathered my sweatshirt and bag and rushed past Ryan, Lexi, Marcus and Nicole and out onto the brisk air.

  “Riana, wait!” Ryan yelled as he followed.

  “Screw you Ryan! How could you? How could you lie to me like that and say it wasn’t her?” I yelled as I turned to him.

  He jogged to where I stood, shaking against the cold and the rage that diminished any ability to manage coherent thought. “Riana, sweetheart.” He stopped short as my icy gaze locked on him. My resolve softened as I continued to look at him. He sighed as he grabbed both my hands. “I’m so sorry, Ri. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “Yeah, well, you did.” I grumbled.

  “I know, and I’ll never forgive myself.” He wiped a tear from my face. “You’re better than this Ri, better than being so upset over me. I’m not worth it.”

  I gave a small laugh. “Obviously.”

  “You’ll be okay?”

  I nodded as he leaned down and placed a soft kiss to my forehead.

  Two nights later, I found myself with a couple friends from school at a new nightclub downtown. I figured I had faked it through most of my teenage years, I may as well try to fake it through this breakup with Ryan.

  Between taking over the dance floor with suggestive moves, scandalous outfits, and shots from the bar, I almost felt like maybe I could have fun again. I was losing myself to the music and the flow of my hips when I became aware of someone behind me. I rolled my head back as I giggled at the touch of his lips on my neck.

  “You’re lovely.” He slurred.

  Part of my mind tried to warn me of the potentially dangerous aspects of this situation and to not fall victim to the appeal of using another man to prove I was okay, but I forcefully ignored it. I turned to this unknown man and met him in a full on kiss. An absolute stranger’s tongue was deep in my mouth as he pushed me up against the wall. His hands were soon up and under my skirt and I fought to pull back. The warnings were definitely louder now, but I wanted to prove I was fine, that I wasn’t heartbroken anymore and that I didn’t need Ryan.

  I closed my eyes and removed myself from the grotesque ravishing this man partook in with my body. That is, until I was brought back to reality by his voice. “Riana, what are you doing!?”

  My eyes shot open and through my blurred vision saw him storm over to my not so private corner. He pulled the stranger away from me with one hand on his shoulder. “Dude, get off her.”

  “Who the hell are you?” My stranger snapped.

  “I’m her boyfriend.” The guy almost tripped over himself as he realized that perhaps making out with a stranger wasn’t the best plan he ever had in life.

  I made a great display of groaning out in annoyance. “You aren’t my boyfriend Ryan, remember? You broke up with me. Yep, was all ‘I can’t be what you need.’ Sound familiar?”

  Ryan’s face fell as he took in my current state. “You’re drunk.”

  “Ooh, nice observation. I’m a grown ass woman, Ryan, I can drink if I want to.”

  “And make out with strangers?” He shot back.

  “Yep, sure can.”

  “Why?” There was a hint of pain as he questioned me and I was overcome with guilt for acting out in such a way.

  I evened my face as I wiped a tear that escaped down my cheek. “Because Ryan. Because in case you’ve forgotten, you don’t want me anymore.”

  Ryan stepped closer to me as he ran his hands up my arms. “Ri,” he sighed against my ear as he nuzzled me. “Oh Ri, I’m always going to want you.”

  I brought my arms up and latched them behind his neck as his lips captured mine. And in that connection, I felt whole again.

  “Riana!” Lexi yelled at she burst into my bedroom, her eyes were huge and her face was flushed.

  “Yes?” I asked innocently as I slipped on my robe in my closet.

  “Would you like to explain to me why Ryan is in our shower!?”

  I bit my lip. “Um, because he needed a shower?”

  “Fantastic. Well, I just walked in there completely thinking it’d be you in the shower and got more than an eyeful of him.”

  “Nice, huh?” I laughed.

  She shook her head. “Not the point.” A grin danced along her face. She stepped further into my room and gently grabbed my arm as she lowered her voice, “Ri, seriously, what is he doing here?”

  “Lex, we love each other. He’s just going through some stuff right now, you know, and thought it was better if we weren’t together. But we can’t not be together.”

  “Careful Ri. Please. I don’t want to see him hurt you again.”

  He did hurt me again though, repeatedly, and I took it without a word. I surrendered to him when he wanted me, and held on to hope for reconciliation when he didn’t want me for weeks at a time. He stopped visiting me at the restaurant I waitressed at, and only seemed to call when he wanted to come over. Despite still attending the University of Minnesota, I rarely saw him on campus. It often left me with the sense he avoided me on purpose.

  “I’ve just been busy, Ri. We’ve been over this.”

  I sighed and resisted the tightening of my chest. “I know, Ryan. It just…I just don’t understand why I never seem to see you anymore—“

  “I’m here right now.”

  “I never seem to see you anymore except when you want this.” He knew exactly what “this” was.

  “What do you want from me, Ri?” I could tell he was getting frustrated, but I was so tired of feeling like an option not a priority.

  “I want to know where I stand with you Ryan.” My voice started to raise.

  Any sign that I was beginning to stand up for myself was dealt with accordingly without any hesitation. Ryan snuggled up closer to me and I felt a crack in the wall I just tried to create. “You know you’re min
e, right?” His hands traced along my arms, along my sides and over my thighs. I sighed in anticipation. He kissed along my jaw as the palm of his hand pushed my thigh to the side, opening me to him.

  I didn’t catch on that he never said that he was mine, but only sought out the confirmation that I was his. My naïve heart believed that the two were mutually exclusive—that if he wanted me to be his, then logically he would be mine. I believed that my submission to him would show him how much he meant to me, how much I needed him, how much blind trust I had in him.

  “I’m yours.” I breathed.

  His tenderness evaporated at the statement as he pulled me roughly to him before he buried himself inside me. I cried out in a mixture of pleasure and pain. “You’ll always be mine, won’t you?”

  I whimpered as I tried to relax and accommodate him as he continued to take me.

  “Riana.” He commanded.

  “Yes. I’ll always be yours.”

  Come May I prepared to fly out to New Zealand for a four week long study abroad/activism conference to finish out the semester. Ryan refused to come to Lexi’s impromptu send-off party downtown, saying it wasn’t really something he wanted to do—you know, celebrate me leaving for a month. Lexi was sure that it was because he didn’t want mutual friends to see us as a couple, I was sure that it was just because it was hard on him to say goodbye. Despite our ups and downs and together, not together struggle, I was convinced we simply loved each other too much to surrender to our dysfunction.