Disillusioned Love Page 8

  “You saw that too, huh?” She instantly felt stupid for stating the obvious.

  “It’s hard to miss. It’s just this was the first time it’s been caught on film.” Derek mumbled. “And posted all over the internet.” He sighed.

  “How’s Alex doing with all of it?” Lexi asked slowly as she paced her office, then drifted to the window that overlooked the streets of Southside Chicago.

  “Alex… well, Alex is currently partaking in World War Three with Kim.” Lexi placed her forehead against her window. It quickly singed her skin. She backed off it and closed her eyes.

  “I’m sorry Derek.” Lexi whispered.

  “Not your fault dear. Really.” Derek assured. “We’ll make it through this too.” Lexi could tell Derek was smiling. Somehow it did little to ease her unsettled soul.

  Riana felt at times that her life had the worst timing. She couldn’t wait for Lexi’s call back after her “water testing” with Derek as she had to make it to the venue for her speaking engagement in Boston. She couldn’t concentrate, yet she didn’t dare call any of the guys. She took a deep breath, walked away from her cell phone and took the stage.

  She went back to her things about an hour later and groaned when she realized she had no idea where to start.

  Missed call from Lexi Cell

  Missed call from Alex Cell

  3 Missed calls from Ryan Cell

  5 Text messages from Alex Cell

  2 Text messages from Matthew Cell

  4 New Voicemails

  She shook her head in the darkness of backstage. She didn’t bother to start yet, she figured it was a mess better dealt with alone, back in the hotel. Unfortunately, the hotel room came faster than she was prepared for.

  Riana sank into the pillows at the base of her bed and took a deep breath, “May as well start from the beginning.” She mumbled. Her first voicemail was from Lexi. “Hey sweetheart, it’s me. I know you’re probably doing your thing at the U of M Boston but I just wanted to let you know I talked to Derek. Sweetie, they know it wasn’t intentional, they aren’t mad at you. But um, Alex was fighting with Kim when I was on the phone with D so you might want to wait just a bit before calling him. Okay, love you, bye.” Riana’s phone continued to the next message. “Ri…”Alex started with a deep sigh. “Listen… I know you know about the pictures and stuff. So does Kim. It didn’t go well. Please call me.” Riana’s heart tightened within the confines of her chest. Her last intention was to cause any stress between Alex and Kim. She couldn’t dwell on it too long because Ryan’s voice broke through her thoughts. “Riana, we need to talk.” Click. Then another. “Ugh, seriously. Riana why aren’t you answering? Oh I know, you’re probably with your friend Alex.” Riana’s teeth clenched together at the amount of hatred that oozed off of the word “friend” in Ryan’s message. Riana got off the bed and shuffled to the mini fridge to grab a mini bottle of wine before she dove into her text messages. “Okay, let’s start with Alex.” She decided as she opened her messages, as well as her wine.

  “Riana are you free?”

  “I really need to talk to you.”

  “You must be busy.”

  “Things...well...things are kinda crazy here.”

  About ten minutes passed between his last message and the next one. Right around the time he had tried to call.

  “Kim and I broke up.”

  Riana sat there, dumfounded, and stared at his last message. No, no Alex, why would you do that? She was appalled he would tell her through a text message of all ways. Riana opened up Matthew’s messages.

  "I can only imagine you’re having a hard time with all this too. Or maybe you aren’t. I don’t know. No one can reach you. I just wanted to say that y’know, we know this wasn’t your fault."

  Riana half laughed when she noticed Matt was long winded even in his text messages.

  "I think you should call Alex."

  Riana felt disoriented. She looked around her empty hotel room, and wished for some kind of support, comfort, or advice. She didn’t know who to talk to first. She didn’t particularly want to talk to anyone. It was too much at the moment. She had found three men, whom she had adored for years as a fan, and was lucky enough to have called them friends. Now, she wasn’t sure what would happen. She knew she’d have to face it all eventually. She rationalized that eventually could be after she finished her mini bottle of Moscato, or perhaps after a second one. She really needed Lexi or Sam there, she couldn’t fathom trying to figure it all out on her own. She realized she answered her own question of who to call first and picked up her cell.

  One ring. A second ring. “Ri!” Lexi exclaimed as she picked up.

  “Oh Lex, why aren’t you here with me right now? This is terrible.” Riana threw herself back, flat, but sideways on her bed. “Someone should have woken me up. Why would Alex have volunteered to carry me like that? Surely he knew about the stalker fans obviously milling about the studio.” She sat up a bit to take another deep swallow of her wine.

  “Ri, I don’t think he cared quite honestly. He seemed perfectly happy to carry you.” Lexi assured. Riana shook her head. Why didn’t anyone else see how bad this was?

  “But Lexi, they broke up.” Riana whispered. She closed her eyes as the weight of guilt crashed on her chest.

  “Who broke up?!” Lexi demanded.

  “Alex and Kim. I broke them up!” Riana gushed frantically. “Ugh, he’s never going to want to talk to me again. Any of them. Can’t blame them, really.” Riana couldn’t stop herself. There was a tragic habit in which she would beat herself up for things she didn’t have control over, or weren’t her fault. It explained why she often took the blame for many of the issues in her relationship with Ryan.

  “Ri. Shut up. This is not your fault.” Lexi scolded. “Matthew texted you right?” Riana nodded even though Lexi couldn’t see her. “I talk to them too you know.” She teased lightly, a reluctant smile danced along Riana’s face.

  “I know.” Riana mumbled softly. “And yes, Matthew texted me. So did Alex. But I’m just… I’m so embarrassed!” Lexi continued to assure Riana it wasn’t her fault, and the guys weren’t upset with her and of course “everything happens for a reason.” She finally filled Riana with enough courage, or perhaps the two mini bottles of wine Riana had, to get off the phone and call Alex. First she sent a quick text message to Matthew:

  "Hey, sorry I didn’t reply right away, was doing a lecture at U of M Boston. I’m not doing too well either I guess. About to call Alex if you still think I should?"

  Matt responded quickly:

  "Oh good! I thought you were avoiding me. Not good that you aren’t doing well. If you need to talk just let me know. But yeah, I think Alex could really use a friend right now."

  Alex knew he would probably hear that ringtone in the middle of a packed airport on Thanksgiving weekend with screaming children at every side of him. Only because it was her ringtone. Alex had locked himself in his room and refused to talk to Derek or Matthew. Immature? Probably. Needed? Absolutely. He swiped his finger across the screen and before he could say hello he heard her.

  “Alex.” She breathed. Just the sound of her voice made everything seem more manageable in his world. There was an odd calming effect she had on him without trying. He stared up at his blue ceiling and contemplated why anyone would actually paint a ceiling blue.

  “Hey Ri.” He replied, though he didn’t quite sound himself.

  “I’m so sorry Alex. I didn’t mean for anything like this to happen!” Riana quickly jumped into apologies and explanations, then more apologies. She couldn’t imagine how to make this better, but she hopelessly tried to make sure he knew she didn’t mean for things to go so horribly wrong.

  “Ri. Ri! It’s okay! This wasn’t your fault.

  None of it is your fault. I offered to carry you and drive you to the hotel. I was well aware of the chances of there being people around the studio. And… I’m the one that ended it with Kim.” He finished s
lowly.

  “But I-- wait, you ended it with Kim?” Alex pictured Riana’s face in his mind, the scrunched up nose, the squinted eyes. “I guess… I guess I just thought with the pictures and all that she… I mean…” Riana had a difficult time comprehending how it all could have gone down.

  “Well, she wasn’t exactly happy with the whole situation.” Alex snorted. “No matter what I said to her she just kept going.” Alex twisted the hem of his shirt around his fingers. “I guess she made the decision pretty easy for me.”

  Riana literally sat on the edge of her seat and continued to churn it all around in her head. “How are you doing though? You guys had been together for a long time.” She murmured.

  “Eh, I’m alright. I pretty much saw it coming. Things haven’t been going well for a while. I guess this was just--”

  “The straw that broke the camel’s back?” Ri offered. Alex chuckled. “Really, have you ever wondered where that saying comes from? I highly doubt straw could break a back.” Alex fully laughed at how wonderfully random Riana was.

  “Yeah, something like that though. But please, Riana, don’t take this on as yours okay? This was something that was going to happen anyway. I just feel terrible you’re essentially in the middle.”

  “Stuck in the middle with you…” Riana half-sung and they both laughed lightly. Riana stayed quiet for a long moment, as she stared at her hands, then acknowledged softly, “People are going to think this is my fault.” Despite Riana’s hard exterior, she was sensitive and truly hated it when people disliked her--for any reason. Her exterior kept her safe, though, so she maintained it well. Yet, there was something about Alex that brought honesty out of her, made her feel as though it was okay to be herself in every way.

  “I don’t care what people think Riana, and neither should you.” Alex retorted firmly. Riana took a deep breath and tried to etch his words into her heart.

  “Okay.” She relented, though he knew she would still blame herself and care too much about what people would assume about her, Lexi and the guys. Alex knew eventually Sam would be pulled into the mix as well, and he despised it. Everyone he associated with was instantly scrutinized, studied and pursued in order to get closer to D. M.A. “I have to go.” Riana sighed. “Ryan called. I have to face that one too.”

  “Don’t let him push you around Ri.” Despite what Alex had told Lexi, he did truly hate the man. Two months was more than enough time to see how poorly he treated Riana. Alex couldn’t help his frustration as he watched Riana put up with how Ryan played her.

  “I know.” She agreed meekly.

  “I mean it Ri.” Alex insisted more sternly. “Don’t. Remember, nothing happened, we aren’t having some kind of crazy affair and my breakup with Kim was not your fault.” Again Riana agreed, but it was obvious to Alex she didn’t believe her own words. He hung up and prayed for the best for her talk with Ryan.

  There may have been three, possibly four mini bottles of wine in the bathroom garbage. The warmth settled in Riana's stomach, and lightened her head. She finally had enough of a false sense of confidence to call Ryan. Even with the clouded sense of purpose, she didn’t look forward to the call. She let out a small groan as she hit talk on the screen next to Ryan’s name. As he picked up his voice made her sigh just slightly. She did still love him, and the sound of his voice reminded her of that fact. “Hey Ryan.” she held her breath for a moment. “You wanted me to call?”

  “Yeah, I wanted you to call three hours ago.” He commented in a short, annoyed tone. Riana felt her eyes darken. Love isn’t supposed to be so dramatic, is it?

  “I had a speaking engagement at U of M Boston today. You knew that.” Riana responded just as shortly as she went back to the mini fridge.

  “How do I know for sure what you’re doing anymore?” He snapped. “You were also supposed to be doing book signings and speaking engagements in New York but instead I find out via pictures on the internet that you were with damn D.M.A. again.”

  Riana’s jaw became firm as she exhaled quickly through her nose. “First of all, they have names. Second of all, I did do book signings and speaking engagements while in New York. I’m also allowed to spend my free time anyway I want. I don’t need to check in with you or anyone else for that matter for permission.” Dammit, no more wine. “I mean, seriously, why are you so threatened by them?”

  “I’m not.” Ryan defended. “I just don’t think it’s a good reflection on us when there’s pictures of you floating around the internet with Alex like that.” Riana knew he emphasized Alex’s name just to spite her after she called him out on not using their names. He didn’t have to emphasize it with so much disgust though. Riana rolled her eyes as she stood in her window and watched the traffic below.

  “I don’t care what other people think.” She replied flippantly, as she thought back on Alex’s words. He would have been proud. A small smile danced along her lips.

  “Not even me apparently.” He huffed. Riana narrowed her eyes to her reflection as she thought of how much of a whiner Ryan could be at times. “We’ve been through so much and you don’t even care how I feel.” He said, his voice finally less worked up.

  “Oh, that’s rich Ryan. You don’t even openly tell people we’re together, but the moment it seems someone else might possibly want me around you lose your damn mind. Either you want me or you don’t Ryan, I don’t want to be a dirty secret.” She growled.

  A heavy silence lingered between them until Ryan dropped his voice to a tone Riana knew well. “I want you.” Riana felt the flush of heat take over her body. Damn you, body!

  “Ryan…” She breathed.

  “I do Ri. I want you. I want you here, with me, in my bed.” She hated how he did that. He could turn things around in a split moment. “I need to know you still want me, Ri. I need to know you’re mine.”

  “I want you.” She sighed. “I’ll always be yours, Ryan.”

  Chapter Eight

  Black Horse And The Cherry Tree

  August 20, 2006

  After the infamous “Riana and Alex pictures” got out and blew up, life was somewhat of a whirlwind for a while. D.M.A. fans were nothing if not relentless as they gathered information on D.M.A.’s personal lives. It only took about a week before they found out Kim and Alex were over, then it got intense among the fans. It appeared there were three sides; ones that sided with Riana, ones that sided with Kim, and the ones who didn’t care either way. The third group was the most favorable to Alex, Derek and Matt. It was ridiculous, how quickly the fans presumed the breakup was because of Riana. D.M.A. didn’t go out of their way to confirm or deny any of the rumors. They all felt it was none of the fans’ business what transpired in their personal lives.

  Riana had pulled away from them afterwards. She claimed it was because she was busy, but Alex knew it was mostly because she didn’t want to add any fuel to the rumoring fires. Ryan had also successfully pulled Ri back in. She didn’t tell Alex, but Lexi did. Both Lexi and Sam had hoped the whole situation would have driven Ri and Ryan apart, but somehow it brought them closer together. Lexi fumed over it.

  “Have you talked to her lately?” Matthew asked as he and Alex sat in the studio while Derek laid down a track. Alex glanced down at his phone and frowned.

  “Not for like four days.” Alex answered, then chewed a bit on the inside of his lip. “I know she was just finishing up her tour though, I’m sure she’s busy.” He rationalized. He couldn’t stand how she seemed to be slipping away. He had to attempt to explain it without admitting that maybe their friendship was suffering.

  “Samantha said they were all going to be at the ranch for a while.” Matthew started. “Maybe we could use a break too.”

  “Oh yeah?” Alex asked, his interest piqued. “What were you thinking?”

  “Oh, I don’t know…” He grinned at Alex. “How do you feel about horseback riding?” Alex couldn’t prevent his laughter. The mental image of lanky, pretty Matthew on a horse was too much to
take. “I’m serious!” Matthew laughed.

  Alex stopped, save for a slight chuckle here and there. “I don’t know Matt, I don’t want to just… invite ourselves.” He scribbled aimlessly in his notebook of lyrics.

  “No need to.” Matt assured proudly as he kicked his heels up on the table. “Lexi already invited us.”

  “Come on Ri.” Lexi begged as she held the phone against her ear while she packed. “It’s a couple of weeks with friends right? Who better to have with us than them?”

  Lexi heard the frustration in Riana’s sigh on the other end. “I just… I just think it could cause problems again.”

  “Riana.” Lexi started firmly as she sat down on her bed. “Are you really going to pull away from these guys because of some shit talking by the fans? Seriously, we’ve always known the fans were crazy, and we always said we’d deal with it. Besides, your ranch is in the middle of nowhere, we’re perfectly safe being ourselves without having to worry about what the fans might think.”

  The silence that followed reassured Lexi; it meant Riana wouldn’t automatically blow her off with some kind of rebuttal. “I guess you’re right.” Riana yielded with a deep breath.

  “Thatta girl.” Lexi laughed. “I’ll call Matthew.”

  Wednesday August 23, 2006

  “Come along little doggies!” Derek drawled as he lugged his suitcase down the stairs. “We’re going to miss our flight!” He heard Lexi giggle on the other end of the line.

  “Derek, you’re too cute.”

  “Ma’am you have no idea.” He drawled again.

  It’d been three days since Matt informed Derek and Alex they would take a small break and head to Riana’s ranch in Arizona. Derek was super stoked, mostly to see how awkward Matt would look on a horse, but also to break free from the city for a while. Alex seemed nervous, which was unlike him. Usually he’d jump at the chance to get out of the city, but more than that, he’d usually be ecstatic to see Riana. “So you’re good with the address and directions to get to Ri’s place right? I know it’s way out there.”